dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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