Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
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