If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
