I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
