I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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