ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
