He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
