that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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