I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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