i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
