I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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