I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
