Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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