I think I can smell my own vagina right now
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
