Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
