If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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