I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
