Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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