How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
