I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
