Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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