hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Send help, water and tortillas.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
