Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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