he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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