so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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