My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
