Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
