Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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