The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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