There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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