My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
