My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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