I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Randomize
