I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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