I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
