you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I smell like Dick and happiness
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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