When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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