Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
