she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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