If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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