my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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