I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
