you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
