theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
