Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
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