Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
