im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
