So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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