when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
She told me I should be a condom model.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
