I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize