True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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