I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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