Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
