I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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