The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
