Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
