he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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